The Time I Told God No - Bringing Our Questions, Hurts & Doubts To God

I grew up with the understanding that I was never supposed to “question” God. Nevertheless, as I grew in my faith and my relationship with Him, some of my most significant moments of breakthrough have come from moments where He met me at the end of my pretending. My greatest faith moments have come from moments of honesty, where I finally admitted all of the questions, doubts, and fears I had regarding Him.

So know that this story is not one of me in outright rebellion…at least I hope not. Instead, this was a moment of complete broken-hearted tantruming. I hope you’ll read through to the end as I genuinely want to share what this story taught me and what it means for you in your relationship with our Father.

In 2015, Mike and I decided we were ready to start our family. Or more accurately, I decided we were prepared, and I convinced Michael to just go for it with me! We decided to try, and 30 days later, we were pregnant.

We were so shocked it had happened so fast, and we were so excited. Mike was so pumped that when I told him, he immediately left to go to the drug store to buy “nicer” tests just to be sure. In the weeks to come, we started picking out names and discussing plans for our new little addition.

A little over a month later, though, I started spotting. We spent a day in the emergency room and a night weeping in each other arms as I miscarried our first baby. We were crushed.

Here comes the part where I said no

In the next couple of months that followed, we grieved and mourned and tried to move forward. I struggled most from a faith standpoint was the fact that I had no idea how God even fit into what had happened to us. It felt like He had let me down.

One Sunday morning, we were at one of those church services where the Holy Spirit’s presence is so tangible that it feels like heaven is literally touching the earth. Everyone around me was worshipping and singing out praises with arms raised. The song said, “You give hope. You restore every heart that is broken.”

As soon as I heard those lyrics, I heard the Father say, “I will heal your broken heart.” My answer was one of honesty, and I think it was inspired by that holy moment we were in. I said, “no, thank you.” I sat down, and I checked out.

If you are interested in how I knew I was hearing from the Father, you can read my post all about How To Hear The Voice Of God here.

His response

Childhood me would have expected lightning bolts and wrath. I for sure watched too much Hercules growing up, so God just equaled what I knew of Zeus. But you know what? He didn’t strike me down. He didn’t punish me for my hurt and anger. He didn’t abandon me to my heartache and loss.

What He did do is gently keep reminding me of His goodness over the next year. That was the year I really learned how to pray and how to hear His voice more clearly. That was the year my marriage began to fall apart, and He showed up and showed us how to strengthen it and grow back together with a stronger foundation than before.

It was about a year later that I was in another service just like the fist, and the same song began to play. When we got to that part of the song that said, “You restore every heart that is broken,” I began to sob. Not a broken sad sob but an overwhelmed overjoyed sob. It was at that moment I realized He did it. He had restored my heart. I also realized that what He had said the year before wasn’t a question! It was a statement. It was a promise.

What Does This Story Mean For You

I think we forget that God is a Father. He is loving and kind, and patient. He gave His one and only to make our adoptions possible. He’s crazy about us!

The crazy thing is, He already knows our hearts in and out. Nevertheless, we try to hide our emotions and doubts and our disappointments from Him when, in reality, He already knows when we are doubting His goodness or when we feel He has let us down.

What if we pushed past our pretending and hiding to honesty? What if we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable with our Father about what is happening in our hearts and minds? What if we stop trying to protect God from our hurts, anger, and confusion? What if we choose to believe that He actually cares about these things that are weighing on us?

In my experience, it is in these moments of honesty, vulnerability, and surrender that we can discover new facets of our Father, and we can grow in our relationship with Him as we learn to see Him for who He is.

He doesn’t keep score. Your anger doesn’t scare Him. He won’t stop pursuing you. He is forever faithful and loving. Your mess doesn’t scare Him.

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All the verses marked TPT shared in today post are taken from one of Mike and I’s favorite translations, The Passion Translation. We love this version and the heart behind it. The best part is the Kindle version is usually available on Amazon for under $10. Last time I checked, it was only $6.99! You can check it out here.